Monday, February 18, 2008

Sex Outside My Marriage

"Sweetie, I have a confession to make," I said.
"Oh brother," my wife replied, "what is it this time?"
"While I was away at work, I had a dream about having sex with another woman."

Now, you're probably asking yourself, "Why would he tell his wife about having sex with another woman?" I mean, it was only a dream, right? Dreams are our most private domain, right? Okay, read on, because this ain't about a tryst with Pamela Anderson.

"Someone I know?"
"Well, yeah, sorta," I replied. So I, er, plunged forward.
Here's what I told her: You, Dylan, and I were in a post-apocalypse New York City.

"Oh brother," Rhonda said, under her breath. (I have frequent dreams of the post-apocalypse kind, no doubt fueled by my fondness for the genre in books and movies. Rhonda ribs me that it's "a sure sign of a sick mind.")
We'd run out of food, but we found an entrance to a vast underground bunker. A huge guy with a shotgun apprehended us. We asked him to let us stay. "Are you both good with firearms?" he asked. "Yeah," I answered, "we can hold our own." "What about the little man?" "He can handle a .22." The big guy thought for a while. Then he said, "Follow me; I'm taking you to the boss. She'll decide if you can stay."

My wife seemed more engaged with my story, so I went on.
He took us through a series of passages to a large closed doorway. Another guard stood in front. "Watch them," said the first guard. He walked through the door. After a few minutes, he reemerged. "The boss wants to talk to you." He looked at the other guard. "Take the woman and the boy to get something to eat." He nodded at me. "Come with me."

He led me through the door into a large room. Behind a huge desk sat Rosanne Barr.

"Wait a minute," Rhonda interrupted. "You mean to tell me the woman you had dream sex with was Rosanne Barr?"
"She said that the only way we could stay in her underground compound was if I had sex with her."

Rhonda giggled. "So did you?"
"Well yeah, Sweetie: I had to save my family."

Rhonda laughed. Then she laughed harder. She looked at me, and started laughing again. "You poor thing," she offered, and laughed again. She finally composed herself, then asked, "Would you please feed the chickens before it gets dark?"

I walked out the the chicken's abode, both relieved and stung that my wife thought it so funny that I'd dreamed about having sex with another woman.

One of the hens likes to peck grain out of my hand. She unleashed a cackle that sounded strangely like Rosanne's laugh. Oh yeah, Rosanne laughed while we were having sex. Her laugh was disturbing and vaguely demonic. I dropped the grain and left the hen to her own devices.

Lord help me.


Redlefty said...

That's enough to make a man impotent right there.

David said...

Yer a better man than me!

Bob Barbanes said...

Now see...heh, if I were telling that story it would begin, "Honey, did I ever tell you about the dream I had where we all died? Yup, Roseanne was in it."

debby said...

Do you even KNOW the difference between a dream and a nightmare?

Hal Johnson said...

Bob, obviously you dream with more lucidity than do I.

Good point, Debby.

Uncle E said...

CLEARLY one of the funniest things I've ever read, Hal. What did you have for dinner that night?

Hal Johnson said...

E, that night I'd gone to a Cuban restaurant in good ol' Morgan City, Louisiana. I had a portobello mushroom with grilled shrimp atop it. It sure tasted good. It was supposed to be a portobello. You think it was one of them thar mushrooms?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your comment in my blog and your blog pointer. Read this and had my first smile of the morning, thank you. I'm looking forward to reading more!

Anonymous said...

That was pretty good... especially with Roseanne's pic, that just topped it off.

Mike said...

sheesh, hal,I'm trying to eat my lunch!

Annie said...

Hal, Hal, Hal....I'm speechless.

Christina Fifield-Winn said...

God help your wife...'nuff said

David Hale said...

I installed a phone for Roseanne & Tom Arnold in Malibu when I worked for "the phone company" back in the late 80's. In your defense Hal, the camera really does add ten pounds